The Allegorist

Jim Bunning Meets Warren Rudman

2010-03-03T09:55:00.000-08:00

Image licensed under Creative Commons by quinnums

"Hey Jim!, remember me?" said Warren Rudman to Jim Bunning. Warren was visiting the Capitol building the other day and just happened to run into his old colleague!

Warren: Boy, that was some daredevil grandstanding you did the other day! Bunning: Huh? What do you mean?

Warren: I mean, if you had been the guy blocking the Emergency Exit on an airplane in a disaster, the other passengers would have torn you to pieces! They probably would have clawed out your eyes first, and torn you open from scrotum to lip! Whew! Can't say that I would blame them... You got some major cohones, amigo!

Bunning just stared icily, as if in some hate-filled fog, at his old colleague.

Warren: Don't get me wrong! If you recall, I tried to fight deficit spending too! With Hollings and Gramm! Hey! Remember that!?

Bunning just stared blankly at Warren, his mouth open slightly. Warren thought he saw some dribble coming out of the corner... (Cheeze Whiz! Warren thought, is he going Gaga, developing senile dementia, or what!? And I thought Bachmann was bad...)...

Warren: You mean you don't remember my tirades over entitlement spending in the late '80's? Remember I even resigned my office over the same thing!

Bunning just kept staring with a quizzical look on his face.

Warren: I suppose you're right...in a way...nobody remembers my work - not even Gramm - and especially not *that big loudmouth dope on Hardball! (*IF this were Rudman or Bunning talking...)

Warren: Look, what I'm trying to say, is that you're right about deficit spending! You just have very bad timing...you don't turn off the fire hydrant when the house is burning down! You don't do grandstanding in an emergency, Nero! Cheeze whiz! Look its like this...Warren was following Bunning into the elevator...

Bunning: Excuse me! This elevator is for Senators only!

Warren: But I am a Senator! I'm an ex-Senator! I'm a colleague! They'll want to see me! I have an appointment...

Bunning: Sorry. (Bunning backs away and the doors close leaving Warren Rudman outside).

Warren (alone): MAN! What an OuchebagDay!!

Bit.ly: http://bit.ly/aRvVGw

FOM: Deal with GOP Senator ends one-man blockade, Jobless furious with Bunning and Kyl

Gay Batman & Dr. Process

2010-02-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

In the Gaycave, Gay Batman and Gay Rob...er...Robin... Robin: Hey!!! Meanwhile, in the Gaycave, Gay Batman gets an urgent call from Gay Commissioner Gordon on the Gayphone.

Gay Batman (on speakergayphone): Yes, Gay Commissioner Gordon! Gay Batman here...at your service...

Gay Commissioner Gordon: Alright, alright, cut the glirting Gay Batman! You know I'm a happily garried Gay Police Commissioner.

Gay Batman: Well, you can't blame a girl for trying... What is it Gay Commissioner Gordon? Trouble?

Gay Commissioner Gordon: The worst, I'm afraid, Gay Batman.

Gay Batman: You mean, a gaytostraightconversion crime?

Gay Commissioner Gordon: Yes Gay Batman, I'm afraid so.

Gay Batman: Any idea who's behind it?

Gay Commissioner Gordon: It appears to be the work of ...huh, stop it with the inferential jokes, would you for a minute...this isn't Family Guy... It appears to be the work of Dr. Process.

Gay Rob...er Robin: Hey!!! I heard that! Gay Batman, just who is Dr. Process?!!?

Gay Batman: The worst kind of criminal. He takes our kind, and makes them straight...

Gay Rob...er Robin: Oh no! Just a few lines in and we're already giving terrible cross-referential puns!

Gay Batman: Your right Gay Rob...er Robin, thats not what we're here for?

Gay Commissioner Gordon: Helloooo? Am I still on line? You still there Gay Batman? Are you girls through with the hen party? Can we get back to the conversation, please...?

Gay Batman: Yes Gay Commissioner Gordon, you were clucking?

Gay Commissioner Gordon: Now see here...oh, never mind you idiots...you almost made me say something offensive...

Gay Batman: What was it? What were you thinking???

Gay Commissioner Gordon: Never mind, never mind. The point is, we believe Dr. Process is turning some of our citizens straight.

Gay Batman: What!?!? That Fiend!!! Gay Rob...er Robin: Noooooooooooo!!!!!

Gay Commissioner Gordon: Yes, I'm afraid so!

Gay Batman: Yes Gay Commissioner Gordon, we'll get right on top of him...er it!

Gay Commissioner Gordon: Enough with the lame puns! (Hangs up).

Gay Rob...er Robin: Where do we start Gay Batman? And why is he called Dr. Process?

Gay Batman: Sorry, Robin, I thought that was clear. Its because he turns our kind straight!

Gay Rob...er Robin: Noooooooo!!!!

Gay Announcer: Tune in next time, same Gay Bat Channel, same Gay Bat Time

Bit.ly: http://bit.ly/9NoQUF

The Gay Batman and the Gay Parallel Universe

2010-02-05T08:32:00.000-08:00

Image licensed under Creative Commons by Alex Castella

Sometimes, our senior editor gets a little "silly" and sends us off on a strange tangent like thinking about Gay Batman in a Gay Parallel Universe and his Gay Batcave. Sigh...you guessed it, this is one of our writing assignments for the day. (And, if we don't sell enough books today, we don't get paid).

So, we made some feeble attempts to find our Gay Batman on the internet. When we 'google I'm feeling lucky' Gay Batman we found...you guessed it...Batman (the Wikipedia link)... We did however find a Twitter account with the TwitName @gaybatman. But, we didn't come away with much information. We should mention that one of our tweeps (http://twitter.com/EasyGayLife) gave us permission to mention his twitname and that he employs a Batman & Robin avatar on his tweets!

Does the Gay Batman call the Batphone the Gayphone? Does he use the Gayphone to take calls from the Gay Commissioner Gordon? Is Superman gay in the Gay Parallel Universe...or is he just Superman? And what about Wonder Woman...hmmm...Aquaman and the Green Arrow would also be likely candidates... This is addressed as a serious topic in the Wikipedia pages LGBT Themes in American Mainstream Comics (Wikipedia link) and Homosexuality in the Batman Franchise (Wikipedia link).

But, isn't the "real" Batman already gay? This is explored in the Wiki pages linked above. Doesn't this disprove that parallel universes are, therefore, impossible? Or, at least, that the Gay Parallel Universe populated by Gay Superheroes is impossible?

We guess that we are also exploring themes of our childhood. We used to collect Batman comics rabidly as children (sigh...however, our sainted mother secretly discarded them all secretly...what a tragic loss...). Does this imply that we too, are gay? Don't think so, though, politically speaking, we support gay rights including gay marriage ('garriage')... Not so much to be hip as to support civil rights. We are very big on civil rights. But, with no hope of a Gay Parallel Universe is there any hope for civil rights? We hope so, we hope so.

We used to watch the original Batman TV series with campy fascination. We still howl with laughter whenever Adam West does a voiceover on Family Guy.

So, where is Gay Batman? It seems we need him now more than ever? We would love to have seen Gay Batman show up at the recent national prayer breakfast in his gay bat regalia. We would have loved to have seen Gay Batman stand up and applaud and whistle when Obama decried Ugandan Anti-Gay Laws. (Where were The Yes Men, by the way?...) Of course, we would have loved to have seen Gay Batman there tweeting about gayporn on his gay BatiPhone during the the invocation (What Could Be Worse?). We would have gone...bats.

Gay Batman save us!

FOM: SAFE SCHOOL PROPOSAL: Two lawmakers want to exclude gay and lesbien students, The Gay Batcave / The Gaycave, The Yes Men Website (link), Homosexuality in the Batman Franchise (Wikipedia link), LGBT Themes in American Mainstream Comics (Wikipedia link) and Batman (Wikipedia link)

Bit.ly: http://bit.ly/amxM9a

Revised/Updated: Friday, February 5, 2010; Sunday, February 7, 2010; Monday, February 8, 2010.

What Could Be Worse?

2010-02-05T07:01:00.001-08:00

#Whatcouldbeworse?

Trading in your #Toyota for a #Prius

Trading in your #Prius for a #Toyota

Trading in anything for a #Toyota #Prius

“Trading up” to a #Lexus

Tweeting about gayporn during the presidential invocation at a national prayer breakfast

Dropping your beer in the library

Dropping your beer during the job interview

Dropping your beer at a wake (apologies to Jeff Foxworthy for the last three...)

Dropping your beer at a papal audience

Your nose starts bleeding during a meeting with your boss after she returns from a long vacation or absence

Having to turn in a sex tape...about your former boss... http://su.pr/1OOrn5

How can #SarahSilvermanProgram be back on!? Didnt #COMEDYCENTRAL cancel it already!? #SoConfused Sorry #Sillies #whatcouldbeworse?

Having some newscaster reading these dumb tweets live on TV during a presidential invocation at a prayer breakfast #whatcouldbeworse?

Throwing up uncontrollably during a presidential invocation at a prayer breakfast on Live TV #whatcouldbeworse?

Leaving your mike on during a restroom break during a presidential invocation at a prayer breakfast on Live TV #whatcouldbeworse?

Snoring during a presidential invocation at a prayer breakfast on Live TV #whatcouldbeworse?

Listening to loud hardcoregayporn on your iPhone wearing earbuds during a presidential invocation at a prayer breakfast #whatcouldbeworse?

Wearing earbuds on your iPhone during a presidential invocation at a prayer breakfast #whatcouldbeworse?

Looking at hardcoregayporn on your iPhone during a presidential invocation #whatcouldbeworse?

Looking at hardcoregayporn on your iPhone during a presidential prayer breakfast #whatcouldbeworse?

Looking at softcoreporn on your iPhone during a presidential prayer breakfast #whatcouldbeworse?

Looking at softcoreporn on your monitor during a TV interview #whatcouldbeworse?

Tweeting during a presidential prayer breakfast #whatcouldbeworse?

Texting while driving a Toyota in Haiti #whatcouldbeworse?

Texting while driving a Toyota #whatcouldbeworse?

Passing gass at a presidential prayer breakfast #whatcouldbeworse

Driving a Toyota in Haiti #whatcouldbeworse

Bit.ly: http://bit.ly/d7RsjF

The Ancient Clam and the Catfish at the Bottom of the Sea - A Fable

2007-10-31T12:25:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to my niece, Kathleen.

The Ancient Clam and the Catfish at the Bottom of the Sea - A Fable...

Ages ago, a clam deposited her larva upon the sea floor. Many of them were immediately consumed by the other creatures of the sea. Naturally, according to Nature's strategy, a few of them survived. One survivor, in particular, was Xing. Many of his siblings were devoured by the great catfish of legend that lived at the bottom of the sea.

The catfish had lived for eons. It was one of those creatures that nature, time and death had long overlooked. It could have been around forever. It was that old. In the time it had lived, it grew to be of extreme physical size and could devour most anything on the sea floor. It had even taken on a few whales and giant squid. There had been many, many colossal battles between them and the catfish. The catfish always won. It lived to be a very great age due to its size and consequent hunger.

Xing also distinguished himself by living a very long life. He mainly survived by living at the sea floor and covering himself with sea silt and other detritus. Eventually, the sea floor grew above his great shell, and eventually even rose out of the sea. Over time, this mound grew to be a very great land mass. Plants and animals, and even humans, came to live on this great land mass.

The great catfish had always been aware of Xing's presence in the mound. Xing's survival strategy and massive shell had protected Xing from the catfish and the other hungry sea creatures that surrounded his silt and mass.

The humans, which came to live upon Xing's great land mass, were simply unaware of the process by which this land mass had formed. They simply took it for granted that it was the result of an ancient and massive shellfish's attempt to nest and protect itself from the other denizens of the sea.

The humans were also unaware of the effects their fishing in the seas around them had done to the great populations of fish and other sea creatures that swam around them. Over time, their catch had been colossal and had depleted many of the stocks of the sea.

This did not have much effect on Xing, directly. He managed well on the tiny sea creatures and debris that eventually came his way through the currents and eddies of the water.

However, the depletion of the other creatures did have much effect on the great catfish. This caused him much hunger. And, needing to support his huge physical mass, he began to realize that Xing was still around. However, Xing was still protected by the land mass and his massive shell.
The humans on the great land mass grew in population and in hunger. Eventually, they began looking for other resources to support them and their growth. They came in contact with other humans around the world. Some became great friends. Some were neutral and indifferent. Some became great enemies...eventually, they even began to perceive these humans of the great land mass as a threat to their survival. They began building weapons and other war machines. They said that they meant to protect themselves from the harm that they perceived the people of the great land mass presented.

Xing, and the great catfish, were almost totally unaware of all this. The humans of the opposing sides could not make peace. They instead, elected and appointed leaders to defend and protect them. Some of these leaders, were overt hawks. This was very unfortunate, as they were also very desirous of power and felt driven to take whatever they could from the others.

Then, without warning, one day the humans of Xing's great land mass attacked the humans who had opposed them. They sent their great rockets, bombs and war machine to destroy them. However, ready for this the opposing humans had developed and produced their own war machine - and, most of all, had developed strong alliances with other very powerful human colonies near their own.

They formed an irresistible offense and attacked the humans of the great land mass. They launched bombs, rockets and so on with great force. Xing was shaken by the disturbance in the great land mass and began to feel its movement. Eventually, the great pile shifted above him, removing some of the silt and soil that was on top of him. He grew concerned, he even felt endangered, but he could do nothing.

Eventually, the great catfish sensed this disturbance, too. Interested, he began to swim around the waters around the great land mass. He felt great disturbances and explosions around him. He sensed the opportunity.

Eventually, a shell (ironically) penetrated Xing's massive shell. Parts of Xing and some his blood flew out. This attracted the great catfish. Sensing doom, Xing was fear stricken and died as a result of panic and its wounds. At last, the great feast was ready for the great catfish. He was ravenous. Not sensing the danger, he burrowed in the silt, sand and soil until he found Xing's already dead flesh. He began to feed, eventually Xing's great shell began to crack into pieces. It began to collapse and trapped the now feeding catfish within the dead shell.

The great catfish panicked, and broke out of the shell. This caused the great land mass to subside. That caused the physical society and structures of the humans above to collapse and fall into the seas around them. Eventually, they were destroyed by this and the remainder of their enemies' war machine. The great catfish, too, perished in the collapse.

Eventually, things settled down. The great catfish and Xing and the humans of his great land mass became forgotten memories. Only the seas around them survived.

Tony Snow Takes On Hunter S. Thompson...

2007-07-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

Tony Snow Takes On Hunter S. Thompson Regarding the "Scooter" Libby Pardon...

Er...Pardon us, this posting is written before the full pardon of "Scooter" Libby.

Today (Tuesday, July 3, 2007) Tony Snow held a press conference with the White House Press Corps regarding the commutation (and eventual PARDONING) of "Scooter" Libby in the CIA Leak Grand Jury Investigation. We thought this press conference was (as usual for the Bush II Administration) insufficient and unsatisfying. A lot like the series finale episode of "The Sopranos".

With much love, affection and admiration, we called out our allegorical version of Hunter S. Thompson (the founder of Gonzo Journalism, no less) to take on Tony Snow and the Bush II administration's version of the commutation...

Thompson: Mr. Snow, thanks for meeting with me.

Snow: Not at all.

Thompson: You know, I've got to hand it to you, I haven't seen a corrupt administration handle the press corps quite like that since the Nixon administration.

Snow: Thanks...ummm...wait just a minute...you call this administration corrupt and compare us to the Nixon White House in just one question? That takes some nerve. Where do you get off?

Thompson: I get off on a lot of things, as you know. But, this - baby - takes the cake. This is the before-the-bloodbath of Grand Guignol of political bloodletting of White House corruption. This is Tricky Dicky Watergate, Iran-Contra, Teapot Dome, Tammany Hall, Lewinskygate, Whitewater, etc. all rolled into one. Phew, baby! Talk about Gonzo journalism! Just where the hell do you guys get off? How can you possibly defend the overt overthrow and usurpation of justice just to get off one of your crony henchman from a felony sentence? When I heard the press release, I bit my cigarette holder in two!!

Snow: Now, now, wait a minute here, here...(getting a little steamed). First, I think you are in error comparing this administration to the Nixon White House, the Reagan White House, the Clinton White House or any Democratic administration. This is democracy at work! The Executive Branch has the full constitutional right to give executive clemency to any deserving persons who have experienced a gross miscarriage of justice. That's just the face of it.

Thompson: No, I don't think that's the face of it...commutation of sentence is usually given after a prison sentence has been served...and a pardon is usually not accepted by the convicted person as it is still seen as an admission of guilt. That's not democracy at work...at least not the American version of it. If you pardon, and he accepts, he's going to look guilty. If you commute his sentence, he has to serve some time. Which is it going to be? Is he (pardoned) going to be the guilty albatross-wearing stooge covering up for a corrupt administration? Or is he going to be a commuted sentence convicted felon without serving one second of prison time - another corruption of our system of justice brought about by a corrupt administration? (Note: see our previous posting, "The Scooter Libby Trial(s) and Verdict(s)").

Snow: Well, you can't have your cake and eat it too. The guy was found guilty. He was sentenced. And he's going to pay a fine. And, yes, he does have to wear an albatross - but he is not a stooge. How is that corrupt?

Thompson: That's your version of it, Tony. It's corrupt because we all know his fees and fine(s) will be taken care of and he'll just keep his mouth shut about it and he won't do a nickel's worth of time. You're right on one thing you mentioned, you and your guys will probably wind up eating it. The Republican Party may never get elected back into the White House...as a matter of fact, they'll probably become as extinct as the Whigs or the Tories, thanks to you and yours! I think the nation might actually owe you and the Bush II administration a big debt of gratitude! You'll be swept out of office on a rail! You'll be a collection of political buggy whips!

Snow: No, I don't think so, you watch and see what happens next year...

Thompson: (Cell phone ringing). Holy creeping sh*t, it's Steadman. Look I have to take this. Can we get together later at the Owl Farm?

Snow: Love to. By the way, loved the funeral.

Thompson: (To Steadman). Yeah, yeah, hang on a f****** minute! (To Snow): Thanks, the cancer's good?

Snow: Knock wood.

Cheney Goes Mano-y-Mano With Che

2007-06-26T09:16:00.001-07:00

Cheney Goes Mano-Y-Mano With Che...

on Meet The Press...

Cheney: How do you do, sir. Pleasure to meet you.

Che: The pleasure is all mine.

Cheney: OK. Let's get down to it, weren't you executed by the Bolivian army?

Che: Hey...you should know, "Dead Eye".

Cheney: That's not funny...

Che: Excuse me. But, after all, it seems to me we've got a lot in common, hey tocayo?

Cheney: Well, not exactly...

Che: I was second in command...only that was Cuba. And, I went off around the world spreading my country's revolutionary government...just like you and yours!

Cheney: (Defensively crosses his arms). Well, I don't think that's a fair comparison...after all we're bringing democracy wherever we go.

Che: So were we, from our point of view.

Cheney: Now see here...(touching a gun-shaped object under his hip pocket and putting on his hunter's cap).

Che: Oh, so now we're going grouse hunting, gringo?

Russert: Whoa...go to commercial.

Brian Williams Meets Julius Caesar

2007-06-25T13:54:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Brian Williams Meets Julius Caesar, June 20, 2007

Brian Williams Meets Julius Caesar...

Post Mr. Williams interview with John Stewart on The Daily Show and the Iraq War.
Williams: Ladies and Gentleman, tonight we are honored to have with us as our very special guest, Gaius Julius Caesar better known as Julius Caesar to the throngs. Mr. Caesar, welcome.

Julius Caesar: Thank you. Oh, and please just call me Caesar. Now, may I assume you brought me here to inquire about the Iraq War?

Williams: Why yes, Caesar. How pithy of you! How could you have known this?

Caesar: How could I not - Et tu, John? Eh?

Williams: Very good. Touche, Caesar. Well, being the greatest military leader before the time of Napoleon...

Caesar: ...and after...
Williams: Excuse me, and after the time of Napoleon. How would you advise us...that is, how would a great military leader like yourself lead in the war in Iraq?

Caesar: Well, I would simply refer you to my commentaries in Commentarii de Bello Gallico. What I feel is needed is the stratagems of (1) "divide and conquer",(2) a "scorched earth" policy and, (3) - something you intimated at the other night - a "cellular" approach to the region. That is to say, I would strongly recommend deploying the total of your military forces to the most significant "cells" in the country, divide their forces, crush them into the earth and deprive them of all supplies and resources by destroying/ransacking and/or pillaging from the local environment.

Williams: That seems rather harsh, seeing that this war was provoked by us.

Caesar: Not necessarily, if you look at it from Rome's perspective.

Williams: Ah, I think I see...Still, what about the innocents, the women and the children?

Caesar: Separate them and take them with you. Or drive them out - which you have already started. You haven't exactly been half-hearted in this conflict, have you? Oh, I have to go (picking up his cell phone), Brutus is trying to reach me.

Williams: Thank you, Caesar. And best of luck to you.

Caesar: No, no. Best of luck to you.

Mike Nifong Meets Judge Learned Hand

2007-06-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mike Nifong Meets Judge Learned Hand

Mike Nifong Meets Judge Learned Hand...

Mr. Nifong, the defendant, suddenly found himself standing in an unnamed court with Judge Billings Learned Hand presiding at the bench.
"Your Honor", asked Mr. Nifong, "just how did I get here"?

"Why...through your own depraved indifference and

negligence, Mr. Nifong. Not to mention your gambling and losing your law license to obtain local political office - all of which greatly outweigh your own legal negligence", responded Judge Learned Hand. "Not to mention what you did to the lives and amateur athletic careers of those innocent Duke Lacrosse players".

"Further, the court also finds that you should have prosecuted the accusers and the

Rev. Al and Rev. Jackson for promoting the incendiary racist diatribes that followed. Why didn't you"?, asked Judge Learned Hand. "In other words, why did you waste every body's time on this"? "For gods' sakes, didn't you consider the ethics"?
"Oh, puhleeeeez...come on, Judge. I expected you of all people to be the least naive. Look, you haven't been around for a long time. Let me explain something to you. I am - sorry, was - an attorney. Ethical standards are almost always sacrificed in the name of political expediency anymore. Listen, I'll read off some names and terms to you; Watergate, Monica Lewinski, Iran-Contra, the 2004 election, Alberto Gonzales...am I getting through to you, Your Honor"?

"Yes, the court does 'get' you, Mr. Nifong. However, if I may quote myself...'If the prosecution of crime is to be conducted with so little regard for that protection which centuries of English law have given to the individual, we are indeed at the dawn of a new era; and much that we have deemed vital to our liberties, is a delusion'. In other words, you and the others you have mentioned - as well as many others - have deluded yourselves in your wicked, facile and corrupt attempt to sway political sentiments your way and the improper gain of political office. Some of these things are worse than crimes, they are mortal sins. So, with the new powers and liberties that have been vested in this court, we find you guilty of the crimes and mortal sins imputed in this hearing and we are prepared to sentence you to no less than 25,000 years in prison, without hope of parole".

In shocked silence, the bailiffs of this cosmic court led Mr. Nifong away. He looked at them sideways, and thought they were sporting horns from their heads...

George W. Bush Meets/Courts Zero Percent Job Approval Rating

2007-06-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

Thursday, June 14, 2007

George W. Bush Meets/Courts Zero Percent Job Approval Rating

President George W. Bush Finally Meets/Courts Zero Percent Job Approval Rating!...

Zero Percent Job Approval Rating ("ZePJAR" see also the Anti-Zen Dictionary:

http://antizendictionary.blogspot.com/2007/06/zepjar.html): "Bushie! I just wanted to stop and say 'Heckuva job you're doing, man!'".
George W. Bush to ZePJAR: "Aw shucks, it's nothing. Why heck, I've been courting you for a long time anyway! It was only time before we finally got together"!

ZePJAR: "'Fraid so, Bushie, 'fraid so!...It was, after all, inevitable. But heck, you're still the sitting president. So tell me, are you gonna dump Gonzalez finally...or Cheney"!?
Bush: "Well, I'm having some problems with that...a man with a zero percent approval rating doesn't really have anything to lose, does he"?

ZePJAR: "That IS A FACTil! (See the Anti-Zen Dictionary:

http://antizendictionary.blogspot.com/2007/06/factil.html). You done hit it right on the head, Bushie baby"!
Bush: "Anyway, aren't you like mathematically impossible, or something like that? Statistically speaking, aren't you just an arse-symtote, or something like that"?

ZePJAR: " That's

asymptote, Bushie. And no, I don't think a zero percent job approval rating in any scientifically run poll is out of the question. Congratulations! You made it! Now, about this Iran thing..."

George W. Bush Meets King Zog

2007-06-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

George W. Bush Meets King Zog

"I have a beautiful gold watch for you..." exclaimed King Zog...

"Oh! Thank you very much!", replied

George W. Bush!

"I will sell it to you for $ 20,000 American!", said

Zog.

'Oh, but, that's clearly my watch, you see it's engraved on the back "Political Leader and Savior of the Free World and Democracy"!'

"Come, come..." replied the

King, "that could be anybody, the Pope, Steven Colbert, or even Bill Clinton!"

"Oh, oh yeah..." replied

Bush..."that Steven Colbert is one heckuva fella. Reminds me of myself".
"Hey, what's this?!" Said Bush, as he tripped over a suitcase. "Man, that thing's really heavy! What's in it"? Asked the leader of the free world.

"Oh, that's just

gold..." replied King Zog.

Gisele Bundchen Meets Torquemada

2007-06-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Gisele Bundchen Meets Torquemada

Sigh, Blame it on Rio!... (with apologies to Monty Python, The Catholic Church and absolutely everybody on earth)...

Sultry, almost vixen-like

super model Gisele Bundchen was minding her own business during an off moment relaxing during fashion week. Suddenly, she spotted a story about the pope in the local newspapers. "Oh"...she exclaimed..."why don't they make such exceptions for planned parenthood"! (or something to that effect).

Suddenly,

Michael Palin (as Torquemada), Terry Jones (as Cardinal Biggles) and Terry Gilliam (as Cardinal Fang)jumped out from behind a shirt cupboard and exclaimed "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"!!! Something then came over Torquemada (Michael Palin), "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me"? "Of course I would, no...I mean I wouldn't...oh, I don't know what I mean" responded the top supermodel.

"Hah, we shall soon find out! Do you confess to the sin of

heresy, by deed, by thought, by word and a nice evening out with the pope and his cardinals and ...oooohhh"! shouted Palin (Torquemada). Taking his tongs with him, all three of them then left the scene!
"Well, I certainly didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition"!, exclaimed the super model to herself.

To be continued...?

Paris Hilton Meets Sun Tzu

2007-06-25T13:40:00.000-07:00

Friday, June 8, 2007

Paris Hilton Meets Sun Tzu

Paris Hilton Meets Sun Tzu ("The Art of War" author)...

In the Thomas Cleary edition(s) of Sun Tzu's classic treatise on the art of war, (one of his) introduction(s) relates early on a tale of the character of the man himself, Sun Tzu.
It seems that the venerable field commander (Sun Tzu) had been engaged by his emperor (!) to train his concubines in the art of military discipline. These were fearful times and perhaps the emperor thought it best for the safety of all.

Sun Tzu, gathered the young ladies in formation and commanded them to be at attention. The young ladies could not bring themselves to understand the need to adhere to the strict military discipline enforced by this commander - Sun Tzu. Therefore, they laughed and giggled. After all, they were concubines! This so affronted Sun Tzu's sense for military training that he ordered the decapitation of two of the concubines. A messenger sent word to the emperor.

The emperor sent a message direct to Sun Tzu asking him not to kill his two concubines as that would make his "life less sweet" (forgive us if we have the wrong translation). Sun Tzu read the message and proceeded to order the execution. The two young ladies lost their lives in this incident.

Sun Tzu (perhaps) did not relish in the decapitation deaths of young women, he just felt it essential to instill an unforgettable sense of discipline in this small army of concubines (not to mention the sense of utter horror).

Horrible things are sometimes done in the name of discipline - or law or justice. It doesn't matter what term you apply, they are really all the same. We don't relish in the time spent in prison by America's Sweetheart (did we just call Paris Hilton America's Sweetheart?). We just don't see the point to returning Paris to some ghastly fate, where she could be permanently disfigured, disabled or returned to us without her head, even, like Sun Tzu's emperor's concubines. We think we would also feel the sense of utter horror experienced in the ancient times. We think we would all be heartbroken. And, Paris is not one of the emperor's concubines. We think that Sun Tzu died a long, long time ago and his message is not nearly as important now as it was then.

Note: This has led us to the realization of a new word - pshiltoning: (the p is "silent") the shame experienced on behalf of one's jailer, executioner, etc. when forced to impose an apparently unjust and irrevocable sentence. See this definition also in "The Anti-Zen Dictionary".

Also: this posting appears in our sister publication, "The Anti-Zen Handbook".