Cheney Goes Mano-y-Mano With Che

Cheney Goes Mano-Y-Mano With Che...

on Meet The Press...

Cheney: How do you do, sir. Pleasure to meet you.

Che: The pleasure is all mine.

Cheney: OK. Let's get down to it, weren't you executed by the Bolivian army?

Che: Hey...you should know, "Dead Eye".

Cheney: That's not funny...

Che: Excuse me. But, after all, it seems to me we've got a lot in common, hey tocayo?

Cheney: Well, not exactly...

Che: I was second in command...only that was Cuba. And, I went off around the world spreading my country's revolutionary government...just like you and yours!

Cheney: (Defensively crosses his arms). Well, I don't think that's a fair comparison...after all we're bringing democracy wherever we go.

Che: So were we, from our point of view.

Cheney: Now see here...(touching a gun-shaped object under his hip pocket and putting on his hunter's cap).

Che: Oh, so now we're going grouse hunting, gringo?

Russert: Whoa...go to commercial.

Brian Williams Meets Julius Caesar

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Brian Williams Meets Julius Caesar, June 20, 2007

Brian Williams Meets Julius Caesar...

Post Mr. Williams interview with John Stewart on The Daily Show and the Iraq War.
Williams: Ladies and Gentleman, tonight we are honored to have with us as our very special guest, Gaius Julius Caesar better known as Julius Caesar to the throngs. Mr. Caesar, welcome.

Julius Caesar: Thank you. Oh, and please just call me Caesar. Now, may I assume you brought me here to inquire about the Iraq War?

Williams: Why yes, Caesar. How pithy of you! How could you have known this?

Caesar: How could I not - Et tu, John? Eh?

Williams: Very good. Touche, Caesar. Well, being the greatest military leader before the time of Napoleon...

Caesar: ...and after...
Williams: Excuse me, and after the time of Napoleon. How would you advise us...that is, how would a great military leader like yourself lead in the war in Iraq?

Caesar: Well, I would simply refer you to my commentaries in Commentarii de Bello Gallico. What I feel is needed is the stratagems of (1) "divide and conquer",(2) a "scorched earth" policy and, (3) - something you intimated at the other night - a "cellular" approach to the region. That is to say, I would strongly recommend deploying the total of your military forces to the most significant "cells" in the country, divide their forces, crush them into the earth and deprive them of all supplies and resources by destroying/ransacking and/or pillaging from the local environment.

Williams: That seems rather harsh, seeing that this war was provoked by us.

Caesar: Not necessarily, if you look at it from Rome's perspective.

Williams: Ah, I think I see...Still, what about the innocents, the women and the children?

Caesar: Separate them and take them with you. Or drive them out - which you have already started. You haven't exactly been half-hearted in this conflict, have you? Oh, I have to go (picking up his cell phone), Brutus is trying to reach me.

Williams: Thank you, Caesar. And best of luck to you.

Caesar: No, no. Best of luck to you.

Mike Nifong Meets Judge Learned Hand

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mike Nifong Meets Judge Learned Hand

Mike Nifong Meets Judge Learned Hand...

Mr. Nifong, the defendant, suddenly found himself standing in an unnamed court with Judge Billings Learned Hand presiding at the bench.

"Your Honor", asked Mr. Nifong, "just how did I get here"?

"Why...through your own depraved indifference and

negligence, Mr. Nifong. Not to mention your gambling and losing your law license to obtain local political office - all of which greatly outweigh your own legal negligence", responded Judge Learned Hand. "Not to mention what you did to the lives and amateur athletic careers of those innocent Duke Lacrosse players".

"Further, the court also finds that you should have prosecuted the accusers and the

Rev. Al and Rev. Jackson for promoting the incendiary racist diatribes that followed. Why didn't you"?, asked Judge Learned Hand. "In other words, why did you waste every body's time on this"? "For gods' sakes, didn't you consider the ethics"?

"Oh, puhleeeeez...come on, Judge. I expected you of all people to be the least naive. Look, you haven't been around for a long time. Let me explain something to you. I am - sorry, was - an attorney. Ethical standards are almost always sacrificed in the name of political expediency anymore. Listen, I'll read off some names and terms to you; Watergate, Monica Lewinski, Iran-Contra, the 2004 election, Alberto Gonzales...am I getting through to you, Your Honor"?

"Yes, the court does 'get' you, Mr. Nifong. However, if I may quote myself...'If the prosecution of crime is to be conducted with so little regard for that protection which centuries of English law have given to the individual, we are indeed at the dawn of a new era; and much that we have deemed vital to our liberties, is a delusion'. In other words, you and the others you have mentioned - as well as many others - have deluded yourselves in your wicked, facile and corrupt attempt to sway political sentiments your way and the improper gain of political office. Some of these things are worse than crimes, they are mortal sins. So, with the new powers and liberties that have been vested in this court, we find you guilty of the crimes and mortal sins imputed in this hearing and we are prepared to sentence you to no less than 25,000 years in prison, without hope of parole".

In shocked silence, the bailiffs of this cosmic court led Mr. Nifong away. He looked at them sideways, and thought they were sporting horns from their heads...

George W. Bush Meets/Courts Zero Percent Job Approval Rating

Thursday, June 14, 2007

George W. Bush Meets/Courts Zero Percent Job Approval Rating

President George W. Bush Finally Meets/Courts Zero Percent Job Approval Rating!...

Zero Percent Job Approval Rating ("ZePJAR" see also the Anti-Zen Dictionary:

http://antizendictionary.blogspot.com/2007/06/zepjar.html): "Bushie! I just wanted to stop and say 'Heckuva job you're doing, man!'".

George W. Bush to ZePJAR: "Aw shucks, it's nothing. Why heck, I've been courting you for a long time anyway! It was only time before we finally got together"!

ZePJAR: "'Fraid so, Bushie, 'fraid so!...It was, after all, inevitable. But heck, you're still the sitting president. So tell me, are you gonna dump Gonzalez finally...or Cheney"!?
Bush: "Well, I'm having some problems with that...a man with a zero percent approval rating doesn't really have anything to lose, does he"?

ZePJAR: "That IS A FACTil! (See the Anti-Zen Dictionary:

http://antizendictionary.blogspot.com/2007/06/factil.html). You done hit it right on the head, Bushie baby"!

Bush: "Anyway, aren't you like mathematically impossible, or something like that? Statistically speaking, aren't you just an arse-symtote, or something like that"?

ZePJAR: " That's

asymptote, Bushie. And no, I don't think a zero percent job approval rating in any scientifically run poll is out of the question. Congratulations! You made it! Now, about this Iran thing..."

George W. Bush Meets King Zog

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

George W. Bush Meets King Zog

"I have a beautiful gold watch for you..." exclaimed King Zog...

"Oh! Thank you very much!", replied

George W. Bush!

"I will sell it to you for $ 20,000 American!", said

Zog.

'Oh, but, that's clearly my watch, you see it's engraved on the back "Political Leader and Savior of the Free World and Democracy"!'

"Come, come..." replied the

King, "that could be anybody, the Pope, Steven Colbert, or even Bill Clinton!"

"Oh, oh yeah..." replied

Bush..."that Steven Colbert is one heckuva fella. Reminds me of myself".

"Hey, what's this?!" Said Bush, as he tripped over a suitcase. "Man, that thing's really heavy! What's in it"? Asked the leader of the free world.

"Oh, that's just

gold..." replied King Zog.

Gisele Bundchen Meets Torquemada

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Gisele Bundchen Meets Torquemada

Sigh, Blame it on Rio!... (with apologies to Monty Python, The Catholic Church and absolutely everybody on earth)...

Sultry, almost vixen-like

super model Gisele Bundchen was minding her own business during an off moment relaxing during fashion week. Suddenly, she spotted a story about the pope in the local newspapers. "Oh"...she exclaimed..."why don't they make such exceptions for planned parenthood"! (or something to that effect).

Suddenly,

Michael Palin (as Torquemada), Terry Jones (as Cardinal Biggles) and Terry Gilliam (as Cardinal Fang)jumped out from behind a shirt cupboard and exclaimed "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"!!! Something then came over Torquemada (Michael Palin), "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me"? "Of course I would, no...I mean I wouldn't...oh, I don't know what I mean" responded the top supermodel.

"Hah, we shall soon find out! Do you confess to the sin of

heresy, by deed, by thought, by word and a nice evening out with the pope and his cardinals and ...oooohhh"! shouted Palin (Torquemada). Taking his tongs with him, all three of them then left the scene!
"Well, I certainly didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition"!, exclaimed the super model to herself.

To be continued...?

Paris Hilton Meets Sun Tzu

Friday, June 8, 2007

Paris Hilton Meets Sun Tzu

Paris Hilton Meets Sun Tzu ("The Art of War" author)...

In the Thomas Cleary edition(s) of Sun Tzu's classic treatise on the art of war, (one of his) introduction(s) relates early on a tale of the character of the man himself, Sun Tzu.
It seems that the venerable field commander (Sun Tzu) had been engaged by his emperor (!) to train his concubines in the art of military discipline. These were fearful times and perhaps the emperor thought it best for the safety of all.

Sun Tzu, gathered the young ladies in formation and commanded them to be at attention. The young ladies could not bring themselves to understand the need to adhere to the strict military discipline enforced by this commander - Sun Tzu. Therefore, they laughed and giggled. After all, they were concubines! This so affronted Sun Tzu's sense for military training that he ordered the decapitation of two of the concubines. A messenger sent word to the emperor.

The emperor sent a message direct to Sun Tzu asking him not to kill his two concubines as that would make his "life less sweet" (forgive us if we have the wrong translation). Sun Tzu read the message and proceeded to order the execution. The two young ladies lost their lives in this incident.

Sun Tzu (perhaps) did not relish in the decapitation deaths of young women, he just felt it essential to instill an unforgettable sense of discipline in this small army of concubines (not to mention the sense of utter horror).

Horrible things are sometimes done in the name of discipline - or law or justice. It doesn't matter what term you apply, they are really all the same. We don't relish in the time spent in prison by America's Sweetheart (did we just call Paris Hilton America's Sweetheart?). We just don't see the point to returning Paris to some ghastly fate, where she could be permanently disfigured, disabled or returned to us without her head, even, like Sun Tzu's emperor's concubines. We think we would also feel the sense of utter horror experienced in the ancient times. We think we would all be heartbroken. And, Paris is not one of the emperor's concubines. We think that Sun Tzu died a long, long time ago and his message is not nearly as important now as it was then.

Note: This has led us to the realization of a new word - pshiltoning: (the p is "silent") the shame experienced on behalf of one's jailer, executioner, etc. when forced to impose an apparently unjust and irrevocable sentence. See this definition also in "The Anti-Zen Dictionary".

Also: this posting appears in our sister publication, "The Anti-Zen Handbook".