Mike Nifong Meets Judge Learned Hand

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mike Nifong Meets Judge Learned Hand

Mike Nifong Meets Judge Learned Hand...

Mr. Nifong, the defendant, suddenly found himself standing in an unnamed court with Judge Billings Learned Hand presiding at the bench.

"Your Honor", asked Mr. Nifong, "just how did I get here"?

"Why...through your own depraved indifference and

negligence, Mr. Nifong. Not to mention your gambling and losing your law license to obtain local political office - all of which greatly outweigh your own legal negligence", responded Judge Learned Hand. "Not to mention what you did to the lives and amateur athletic careers of those innocent Duke Lacrosse players".

"Further, the court also finds that you should have prosecuted the accusers and the

Rev. Al and Rev. Jackson for promoting the incendiary racist diatribes that followed. Why didn't you"?, asked Judge Learned Hand. "In other words, why did you waste every body's time on this"? "For gods' sakes, didn't you consider the ethics"?

"Oh, puhleeeeez...come on, Judge. I expected you of all people to be the least naive. Look, you haven't been around for a long time. Let me explain something to you. I am - sorry, was - an attorney. Ethical standards are almost always sacrificed in the name of political expediency anymore. Listen, I'll read off some names and terms to you; Watergate, Monica Lewinski, Iran-Contra, the 2004 election, Alberto Gonzales...am I getting through to you, Your Honor"?

"Yes, the court does 'get' you, Mr. Nifong. However, if I may quote myself...'If the prosecution of crime is to be conducted with so little regard for that protection which centuries of English law have given to the individual, we are indeed at the dawn of a new era; and much that we have deemed vital to our liberties, is a delusion'. In other words, you and the others you have mentioned - as well as many others - have deluded yourselves in your wicked, facile and corrupt attempt to sway political sentiments your way and the improper gain of political office. Some of these things are worse than crimes, they are mortal sins. So, with the new powers and liberties that have been vested in this court, we find you guilty of the crimes and mortal sins imputed in this hearing and we are prepared to sentence you to no less than 25,000 years in prison, without hope of parole".

In shocked silence, the bailiffs of this cosmic court led Mr. Nifong away. He looked at them sideways, and thought they were sporting horns from their heads...