Brian Williams Meets Julius Caesar

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Brian Williams Meets Julius Caesar, June 20, 2007

Brian Williams Meets Julius Caesar...

Post Mr. Williams interview with John Stewart on The Daily Show and the Iraq War.
Williams: Ladies and Gentleman, tonight we are honored to have with us as our very special guest, Gaius Julius Caesar better known as Julius Caesar to the throngs. Mr. Caesar, welcome.

Julius Caesar: Thank you. Oh, and please just call me Caesar. Now, may I assume you brought me here to inquire about the Iraq War?

Williams: Why yes, Caesar. How pithy of you! How could you have known this?

Caesar: How could I not - Et tu, John? Eh?

Williams: Very good. Touche, Caesar. Well, being the greatest military leader before the time of Napoleon...

Caesar: ...and after...
Williams: Excuse me, and after the time of Napoleon. How would you advise us...that is, how would a great military leader like yourself lead in the war in Iraq?

Caesar: Well, I would simply refer you to my commentaries in Commentarii de Bello Gallico. What I feel is needed is the stratagems of (1) "divide and conquer",(2) a "scorched earth" policy and, (3) - something you intimated at the other night - a "cellular" approach to the region. That is to say, I would strongly recommend deploying the total of your military forces to the most significant "cells" in the country, divide their forces, crush them into the earth and deprive them of all supplies and resources by destroying/ransacking and/or pillaging from the local environment.

Williams: That seems rather harsh, seeing that this war was provoked by us.

Caesar: Not necessarily, if you look at it from Rome's perspective.

Williams: Ah, I think I see...Still, what about the innocents, the women and the children?

Caesar: Separate them and take them with you. Or drive them out - which you have already started. You haven't exactly been half-hearted in this conflict, have you? Oh, I have to go (picking up his cell phone), Brutus is trying to reach me.

Williams: Thank you, Caesar. And best of luck to you.

Caesar: No, no. Best of luck to you.